forgive someone today

Are you holding on to a grudge?  Have you been angry with a friend or a loved one and you just can't seem to let it go?  You may want to dig a little deeper and try to understand not only why you feel resentful, but also what your part in the situation might be.  Sometimes we feel slighted -- anger is a normal and often valid feeling -- but how we react to our feelings is a choice.  

Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.  (Campaign for Forgiveness Research) (2006).

Writer and actor Malachy McCourt said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."  Think about it: are hurt feelings and grudges helping or harming you?  What would it be like to release your resentments and free yourself of the pain and suffering you feel (not to mention the time you spend thinking about it)?

Holding on to a grudge may make you feel that you are helping yourself.  In some cases, remaining angry can help us fight injustices or take an action we have been wanting to take.  Feeling hurt or angry may even serve us by looking at our own past mistakes and asking ourselves, "Have I ever done that before?"

But on the flip side, holding on to a grudge can harm us.  It can divorce us from personal responsibility, from looking at our part in a conflict.  Resentment allows us to cast ourselves as the victim.  We blame other people or situations, and that keeps us separate, so we can preserve our image as the good person who has been wronged.  We may even hold on to a grudge believing that it is protecting us from the possibility of failure.

Holding on to a grudge has many detrimental physical effects too, for example:

• it drains our energy
• it causes anxiety and irritability
• it can increase blood pressure
• it can cause stomach upset
• it creates muscle tension, which leads to headaches, neck aches, and back aches

Take some time today to think about a grudge you have been nursing and consider what it might feel like to release it; to really let it go.  

Below are some tips when thinking about letting go of resentment:

1. Acceptance - try to think about life and the bigger picture.  There will always be things that seem unfair or wrong.  Learn to accept these injustices as a part of life.  It's not personal.

2. Utilize the Iceberg Theory by Virginia Satir - anger is the "tip of the iceberg" and if you explore what is underneath the anger, you will always find hurt, sadness and/or fear.  When you deal with the emotion that is underneath the anger, you can resolve conflict easier and faster.

3. What is your part? - always look at your part in what happened.  It takes two to create a conflict.  Did you overreact because of an old hurt or wound?  Did you have a need or an expectation that you forgot to communicate? 

4. Have compassion for the other person - take some time to consider their intentions and circumstances around what happened.

5. Talk to the other person and work through it together - if the other person is available to discuss it, try talking about what happened.  Use "I" statements and take responsibility for your part in the conflict.  If this is not possible, just forgive them for your own health and evolution.

Forgiveness furthers physical and mental well-being, it improves relationships and increases self-esteem and is a great reducer of anxiety and depression.

People who are inclined to forgive tend to be more emotionally stable; they are easy-going, less moody, more agreeable, and better able to handle negative emotions and criticism.

Give yourself a gift and forgive someone today!

keeping sex alive

If your relationship is lacking in the bedroom, you are not alone. In fact, Newsweek reports that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than ten times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage.

According to a USA Today study, 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. And Psychology Today reports that 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. 

So, now that you are not feeling so alone, what can you do about it? There is hope! Couples overcome little or no sex every day and you can be one of them, it just takes some effort and willingness to make changes in yourself and in the relationship.

There are myriad factors that can contribute to low-sex and no-sex relationships and it is important to identify and deal with (or rule out) those causes. 

Some factors include: 

• Biological changes
• Depression
• Children
• Lack of energy and/or fatigue
• Sleep deprivation
• Lack of respect or trust
• Jealousy, resentment
• Loss of self-esteem

Once contributing factors are identified and tended to - an example might be a thyroid condition that needs medical treatment - then you can look at what is happening interpersonally with your partner.

If your sexual relationship is not living up to your hopes and desires, start asking for what you want. Start by looking within to identify what it is you want. Once your needs are identified you can communicate those needs to your partner. When you communicate, it helps to be specific and to use "I-statements," like "I feel connected when we take the time to look at each other during sex and I'd like more of that." When you speak from the "I" position, it invites conversation rather than starting with "You," which puts your partner on the defense and doesn't leave a lot of room for open communication.

Relationships are about negotiation and compromise and this continues throughout the life of the marriage (even beyond, if you share children or other responsibilities). Make time to negotiate a plan that works for both of you. If you agreed to a plan and it's no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. Start by talking about the logistics of sex and sexuality for each of you: What time of day do you feel most sexual? How frequently do you naturally feel like having sex? Neither of you is right or wrong, hot or cold. Each of us has a natural sexuality that gets lost in the shuffle of our lives and our relationships. Once you are reintroduced to your sexual selves, negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.

Be careful not to base your relationship on sex or to get your emotional needs met through your sex. We all need love, compassion and caring, and sex can be a reflection of that. It doesn't have to be either/or: there is a time for spooning and a time for sex. Try not to use sex for the wrong reasons or load it up with too much meaning. It shouldn't be a way to validate your partner, it should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for your partner.

Remember, the choices you make have consequences. If you choose to work, go to school and/or have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Look at your own behavior and choices and consider making changes if you want different consequences. Empower yourself to create the kind of sex life you want and deserve; it's up to you and you can do it!

sex addiction: is it real or an excuse?

The short answer is, “It’s both.”

In light of the recent drama playing out in the media with Tiger Woods’ and Jesse James’ infidelities, it seems as good a time as any to address this issue.  Also being discussed is whether or not to include sex addiction as a legitimate disorder in the newly revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V, to be published in 2012).

Everyone is talking about whether sex addiction is a real disorder or just an excuse.  In my experience and expertise, sex addiction is as real as any other addiction.  However, for some addicts who are not yet ready to get well, it can be used as an excuse to manipulate forgiveness.

In the case of Jesse James and Tiger Woods, their sincerity remains to be seen.  Are they really ready to get well?  Or are they just using rehab to repair their reputation and their relationships?  If it’s for the latter (the wrong reasons to treat an addiction), they will not change.

Let’s start with a couple definitions of addiction (from dictionary.com): 

1. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.
2.  The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Based on these definitions, we can plug in any substance or behavior (e.g. food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, pornography).  Both Tiger and Jesse were (or are) seemingly “habitually and compulsively” occupied with women and sex.  I think we can all agree on that.

The question is how do we distinguish between most men who are preoccupied with sex - which is normal and is caused by the naturally occurring steroid hormone testosterone - and what men chose do with this resulting preoccupation.  Especially when they are in a committed, monogamous relationship (assuming that was the agreement both of these men had with their wives).

We can’t fault men for the ways in which they are wired sexually – it’s a complicated convergence of social, political and familial messages combined with biology (read more on the male brain and biology here.).

I’m sure there are many men out there thinking we have this secret understanding of each other; most of us look at porn and at least think about having sex outside our relationships.  What’s the big deal?

 

Believe it or not, that isn’t the big deal.  The big deal is living a compartmentalized life.  Hiding these parts of oneself and acting in secrecy and lies.  That is the true betrayal – to yourself and to your loved ones.  And women have a part in it; they need to understand and accept that men are different from them in this way, and not take it personally.  The collusion of women not accepting that men are slaves to testosterone, and men pretending they are not occupied with sex, pushes couples into a very bad setup.

My advice is to talk frankly with your partner about who you are as a sexual being.  Gone are the old ideas about sex, like “all men cheat” or “women can’t handle men’s sexuality.”  We are complicated and multi-layered human beings.

 

Get out of the shame-based beliefs and accept your sexual self.  Then share it with your partner.  If it brings up fears or insecurities, talk about it.  If you don’t have the tools to effectively and safely communicate, seek out an expert to help you discuss the realities of sex and sexuality.  Negotiate your best deal – which includes both of you getting your needs met and making some compromises to create a safe and secure bond.

Not all men cheat.  Some are evolved and integrated enough to make the choice not to harm, disrespect or betray themselves or their loved ones.  Even if they are faced with ample opportunities for sex, between free porn on the Internet or a woman they meet on the plane.

 

Some men make a decision that the consequences are too great.  That by living a life that includes secrets and lies they are not only hurting someone they love, but are perpetuating their own low self-worth and lack of integrity.  Some men want more than that.  When all is said and done, choosing not to cheat can be that simple.

If, however, the choice not to cheat doesn’t seem that simple and you cannot stop your behaviors, you may want to seek help with sex and/or porn addiction.  If your sexual acts (or acting out) are affecting your self-esteem, your work, your relationships or your ability to feel well with the world - if you are lying or keeping secrets - it is very likely you have a problem.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sex addiction, check out these books and 12-step programs for support:

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick J. Carnes

The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy and Larry Maltz

Don’t Call it Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

For a list of 12-step groups for treating sex addiction (and for partners of sex addicts), click here.

pick up the phone already! a mild-mannered rant.

If I had a nickel for every time someone spent their therapy session on an argument over text messages, or how they recently discovered the guy they are currently engaged to changed his Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated,” I’d be a wealthy woman.  People actually pay me to process with them their wild assumptions.  And when I ask, “Have you spoken to your friend that seemingly lashed out at you in a text to clarify what she meant?” or “Did you ask your fiancé about the change of status on his Facebook page?” I am often met with a blank stare (or, more accurately, a slow-growing smile as my clients know I prefer old-fashioned communication when it comes to talking with loved ones).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy to help the people who come to see me.  And I don’t judge them for utilizing all these fun and easy ways to stay in touch.  I just feel frustrated at the state of communication in this day and age of technological deluge and I worry about how we are going to create healthy and lasting relationships in the face of all these impersonal communication options.

In the face of myriad modes of contact – IM’ing and texting and tweeting, oh my - we have gotten crazy lazy.  And I fear it will bite us in the butt in the long run.

I admit that I prefer emailing over making a phone call.  For me - a multi-tasker who doesn’t particularly enjoy idle chit-chat - an email is quick, to-the-point and I’m on to the next thing.  So, I do understand the value of emailing and text-messaging for things like scheduling, a quick bit of information, or a shout-out that one is running late.  But, please, if what you need to communicate is anything more than The dog will be ready at the groomers at 5 o’clock, please...for crying out loud…pick up the phone! 

I promise you, this is a simple, free piece of advice that will save you so much time and discomfort, and maybe even a few bucks at the therapist’s office.  That way, you can get to the bottom of the mysterious change on his Facebook page much quicker and you can utilize your time with your therapist to learn better communication skills to use the next time you actually talk directly to your friend or fiancé.

love addiction

Many of us have absorbed the belief that if we just meet the right person we will be happy.  We feel unsatisfied, restless and lonely unless we are actively seeking the person that will make us feel better, more whole.  

Yes, being in a healthy and loving relationship provides many benefits - a greater sense of security, a feeling of connectedness and a way to express our love and gratitude - but our love relationships need to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  

If you find yourself repeating the same patterns: holding on to past relationships, obsessively trying to meet someone new, jumping from relationship to relationship, or trying to make the wrong person fit just to be in a relationship, you may be struggling with love addiction.  


Below is a self-test from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program for those trying to find a sense of well-being through dependency on another.

Love Addiction SELF TEST: 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis 

(excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.) 

The following questions are to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signs of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions.  

1. Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone? 

2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you? 

3. Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? 

4. Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance? 

5. Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people? 

6. Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow? 

7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with? 

8. Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable? 

9. Have you ever felt that you had to have sex? 

10. Do you believe that someone can "fix" you? 

11. Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had? 

12. Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner? 

13. Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had? 

14. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate? 

15. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)? 

16. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships? 

17. Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix? 

18. Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner? 

19. Do you feel entitled to sex? 

20. Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave? 

21. Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner? 

22. Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person? 

23. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity? 

24. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? 

25. Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to? 

26. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation? 

27. Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems? 

28. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it? 

29. Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain? 

30. Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief? 

31. Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"? 

32. Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?  

33. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?  

34. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?  

35. Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?  

36. Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?  

37. Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?  

38. Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?  

39. Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs? 

40. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits? 

If you've answered "yes" to some (or several) of these questions, you may want to seek help for these issues.  In addition to SLAA, talk therapy may be a way to overcome challenges with love addiction.  Obsessive love addiction is sustained by fantasy, so modifying your thoughts through cognitive therapy can help break the cycle.  It's a new year; give yourself your best shot at feeling happy and well with the world through self-acceptance and self-love!


To find an SLAA meeting near you, click here.