perfectionism

What is perfect, anyway? The definition of “perfect” is constructed by each of us, guided by our own personal expectations. Those expectations begin to develop in childhood, usually as a result of others’ hopes or aspirations for us – like when parents impress their needs for us to be a certain way – or they may emerge from our own need to express our worth through accomplishments. In some cases, perfectionism may be a cause of something more serious like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, an eating disorder, or as a result of childhood abuse.

However our concept of being perfect (or doing it perfectly) grows for some of us, when it goes too far it can become burdensome. When perfectionism comes into our lives, our idea of how something should be done is so far beyond human that we become paralyzed and get stuck in ways that can manifest as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and chronic procrastination, to name only a few.

For those of you whose functioning has been impeded by the irrational belief that you or your environment must be in perfect order; for those of you who have set a personal standard that requires nothing less than perfection at work, at home or in your relationships, this blog is about you. You may be reading this and thinking “that’s too rigid and doesn’t sound like me.”

Here are ways in which perfectionism manifests:

• Fear plays a major role in your decisions
• You have a fear of success, for fear of failure
• Mistakes are not an option (for you and/or for others)
• You set impossible goals and measure your worth in terms of productivity and accomplishment
• You have a rigid and/or moralistic outlook that doesn’t allow for humanism
• You never feel personally good enough, or the job you’ve done isn’t good enough
• You have impossible expectations in your relationships with others and are frequently disappointed

If you identify with more than one of the above, you may want to consider what part perfectionistic thinking plays in your life. If you think you might suffer from OCD, have an eating disorder, or have a history of trauma or abuse, I recommend seeking professional help for these issues; they are treatable and counseling can provide a great deal of relief. If, however, the kind of perfectionism that has power in your life comes from low self-esteem or distorted ways of thinking (counseling can also be beneficial in these cases), there are some fairly simple and basic solutions to recovery from perfectionism.

The first step is awareness; awareness that perfectionistic thinking is creating a barrier to your well-being; awareness that your thinking is contributing to your feelings of self-worth and has a direct result on your productivity and successes. The next steps are not linear, but are to be utilized as needed:

• Be realistic and flexible – explore what is reasonable for any given task and stay open to other approaches. If you are particularly hard on yourself (as opposed to others), put someone else in your shoes, think about what standard you hold them to and apply that standard to yourself.
• Accept yourself – “the good, the bad, the ugly.” I say this lightheartedly. What I mean is that we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like, hope to hide, or about which we feel shame. The sooner you can accept all of you - by integrating the parts that maybe aren’t so smart or secure or mature - the sooner you can love all of you. The outcome will astonish you: you will know, without a doubt, that you are loveable whether your kitchen sink is spotless, whether you’ve gained a couple of pounds, or whether you make a mistake.
• Forgive – Whether you are blaming someone else for your unhappiness or you are unforgiving with yourself, release all that negative energy once and for all. You are responsible to make your life as you want it. Now is the time, and holding resentment against another or beating yourself up for past mistakes only contributes to the very thing you are complaining about. Forgive yourself for not being perfect; no one is.

If you get stuck and can’t seem to incorporate this new information, you may want to look at what you are still gaining from being perfectionistic. Some people hold on to rigid ideals because they believe it is the only thing motivating them to accomplish certain tasks. To that I say: trust yourself enough to know that if you can get the job done, you will. If you can’t, maybe it’s a job for someone else. REMEMBER: we are all perfect in our imperfection. Now go out there and be imperfect!