goodness and mercy

Last month I was asked to speak on the radio with this directive: from your expertise, what is the one piece of advice you would give to our listeners? This was a tall (and, frankly, vague) order. How could I excavate my education, experience and knowledge to cull one salient bit of guidance? My stock advice for better living is a package deal, you know, like: pay attention to your thoughts and how they affect your feelings; learn how to communicate with respect and love; accept all parts of yourself so that you can live with authenticity; set appropriate boundaries for yourself and in relationships in order to get your needs met, etc., etc. So, when I was challenged to come up with just one prescription, I had to dig deep to clarify the core issue each of us must examine to succeed at becoming whole. Then it hit me: how can we rationally address our thoughts and feelings, communicate with maturity and respect, and set good boundaries if we don’t accept ourselves completely? We have to love and believe in ourselves first, so that we feel we are worthy of feeling good, of having healthy relationships, and of getting our needs met.

Now, I know that I am not re-inventing the wheel here. We all know the old cliché – which has been quoted different ways by myriad philosophers and writers – one must love oneself in order to love another. Formulaic as it is, this admonition is powerful. If we don’t accept ourselves completely, we hide who we truly are and, as a result, form false relationships with the people in our lives. How can someone really know us or love us if we are hiding parts of ourselves? We all have a shadow side; we all have experiences and foibles of which we are deeply embarrassed or ashamed. If we can accept ourselves in totality – "the good, the bad, and the ugly" – then not only can we integrate ourselves, but we can also heal from past painful experiences.

Most of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to “get rid of” parts of our nature or our history. We are hard on ourselves with the false belief that it will motivate us to be better when, in fact, being gentle on ourselves reaps much better results. We judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others; we have different expectations for ourselves that are superhuman. The opposite is much more effective: the more accepting and loving you are to yourself, the more you will grow and evolve; the more you will become the best version of you.

In tangible terms, if you find yourself thinking things like: “I hate that I’m so sensitive,” or, “I’m a bad person because I manipulate people to get what I want,” or, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop obsessing on that one thing?” Or, “Why can’t I stop overeating?” Or, “I’m lazy, I can’t accomplish anything,” you are denying – in fact loathing – parts of yourself. The truth is, you are probably “over-sensitive” because the meaning you’ve made out of something someone said or did is out of proportion to the reality, and it may be linked to an old wound from the past. You may manipulate people or situations because, to get your needs met in your family, manipulation was taught and expected. You might get stuck obsessing on something or find that you’re not able to handle your overeating because you are trying to manage anxiety and haven’t learned the tools to self-soothe in a healthy way. And, procrastination does not equal laziness. More often, it has to do with feelings of being overwhelmed or fear of failure, as well as poor time-management and sometimes even an underlying diagnosis, like ADHD.

Once we get to the bottom of these so-called “flaws,” we can learn their origin and begin to have compassion for ourselves. Self-love replaces self-loathing and we find much more time and energy to create value and connection in our lives.

Some benefits of total self-acceptance include:

• Better self-esteem and self-value
• Positive thoughts replace negative thoughts, which improves depression and anxiety
• Living genuinely and with authenticity
• Unconditional love of yourself and others
• Improved relationships and intimacy
• More energy (less spent trying to prove something)
• More possibility (if failure is okay)
• Getting your needs met

How do we know we have accepted ourselves?

• You know what you need at any given moment and feel worthy of having those needs met; you know what your beliefs are
• You tell the truth
• You are living with integrity (you don’t gossip or cheat)
• You accept that you are doing your best (it’s ok to make mistakes)
• You love openly and unconditionally
• You are living the life you think you should have and are reaching your goals

I hope that you will increase your awareness about the thoughts you think and how they might be affecting your overall health. Think about the parts of yourself you try to deny or hide. Go deeper and try to understand why you are hiding what you are hiding. Ask yourself: When did it start? How did it develop? How did it serve me then? Does it still serve me now? As you start to understand yourself a little better, you will find a gentler, softer voice coming through. Listen to it. Accept it. Love it. Anything is possible and you are good. All of you.