As you might know, I am a proponent of personal responsibility and of creating your own experience. If you "hate" the holidays or can't stand being with family, make a change. Celebrate differently; avoid the consumerism of the holidays and focus on connection and love, or stay home and nurture yourself instead of going someplace that feels chaotic or unsafe.
With stress levels high and emotions fragile, I thought it might be a good time to blog about Boundaries. If you do choose to be with family, and relationships are complicated or feel unhealthy, consider setting boundaries so that you feel comfortable while spending time with loved ones.
Here is a short lesson on how to maintain healthy boundaries for optimal family time:
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are limits we set to regulate distance and closeness; they protect us and help us take care of ourselves by defining what is safe and acceptable, which is different for each person. Boundaries are not manipulations or a means to control others, yet sometimes we avoid setting them for fear of hurting someone or thinking it might feel like a rejection to a loved one. Another reason we avoid setting boundaries is that some of us aren't sure how to communicate our feelings or needs and fear if we do we might lose a relationship.
Good relationships have good boundaries
When good and clear boundaries are in place, we feel safe, respected and well cared for. When bad and blurry boundaries are in place, we feel disrespected, unsafe and even abused.
How to set boundaries:
When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, respectful and direct.
1. Increase your awareness of where boundaries are unclear.
2. Identify your feelings and what you need before expressing yourself.
3. Make a choice or decision to be assertive, as opposed to aggressive or passive.
4. Express yourself with respect by communicating without blame.
5. Reinforce the boundaries you have set, if needed.
(A word on enforcing/reinforcing boundaries: Initially, people might resist or ignore your requests, which puts the responsibility on you to stand firm once a boundary is set. In addition, if we set a boundary and then don’t stick to it, the message we are sending is that our boundary setting doesn't mean much and that others are welcome to push right through them.)
Setting a boundary might look like this:
Your mother frequently comments on _________ (how much you eat; your body; your appearance) and you feel uncomfortable. You've never said anything about it before and now it's almost unbearable to be around her. You say, "Mom, I feel uncomfortable when you make comments about my appearance. You may not even notice that you do it, but it feels critical and I would appreciate it if you would stop."
Or, this:
Each holiday season you travel a great distance to be with family. It is harder and harder to do and you just don't want to do it this year, yet you feel guilty about letting family down. You might say to your son, "Honey, as much as I love spending time with you and your family, I'm just not up for the trip this year. I love you and will miss you; I hope you understand."
Or, this:
There is an expectation in your family to do everything together, to stay longer than you are comfortable, and to spend every waking moment visiting or being active together. This is not your style and it feels taxing. In this case, you might schedule a shorter trip, build in alone time each day to take a walk or a nap, and opt out of a family outing when you don't feel like going.
I hope these examples help you recognize what boundaries are and how they might be implemented. I wish you a wonderful holiday season full of peace, love, comfort and joy. And remember, if you find yourself dreading this time of year, consider redefining what you want and need to have an enjoyable time - you are worth it!
