renewal

It’s a new year and with it usually comes a renewed sense of vigor; a desire for new beginnings. Whether you make resolutions or just reflect on the past and recommit to the present and the future, a new set of twelve months means another chance at improving upon whatever we think needs bettering or expanding.

Since my expertise is in relationships, I thought I’d take this time to offer some tips on improving your romantic relationship. If we are fortunate, we meet someone, fall in love and spend some of the early months or years negotiating the best relationship we can. We think that once this is done, it’s done. We forget that our relationship is a constant work in progress and that, as we grow and change, our relationships need consistent appraisal and shaping.

Life is not static, rather it’s dynamic. Why wouldn’t our relationships be the same? I think we hope that once the initial surge of working out issues is behind us, and we feel relatively happy and calm, that our work is done. This type of thinking can get us into trouble as we progress in our relationships and don’t continue to reevaluate what we need. A friend once said to me that she and her husband view their marriage as an art project and that, as a result, they regularly fine-tune and beautify it.

I’m a firm believer in the art of negotiation. In the early stages of a relationship we negotiate things like: time spent, sex, living arrangements, friends and family time, alone time, children and money. After a few years, many couples stop having these conversations. I propose, in the vein of a job evaluation, we sit down every six months or once a year to re-evaluate original agreements. How are we doing? Are we still happy with our living arrangement? Our money arrangement? Are we still on the same page about kids? What about sex? You get the idea. I think people avoid these conversations for fear that one or both might say “I’m not happy with ________.” The truth is, this is the best thing that could happen to your relationship. It provides an opening for improvement; for each person to redefine their needs and get them met, which results in a deeper, more meaningful and lasting connection.

Below are some tips for better communication when approaching a relationship discussion:

• The most important component to any discussion is a commitment to being respectful and a desire to stay open and willing to what your partner presents.
  
  
• It’s essential for each person to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and to avoid blaming or trying to change one’s partner.
  
  
• Try not to personalize what your partner is discussing, rather look at it from his or her perspective. It usually has very little, if anything, to do with you.
  
  
• Manage your instincts to react with extreme emotion, withdraw from a conversation or deny that an issue is present in the relationship.
  
  
• Remember that you are a team and try to approach any issue as teammates and not as opponents.
  
  
• Work towards clarifying what you (or your partner) are (is) asking for and how they can help you (or you can help them) accomplish this goal.
  
  
• Once a new plan is agreed upon and put forth, commit to doing your part. Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort, but the benefits are immeasurable: you get to have that relationship you always thought you were supposed to have – one that includes mutual respect, fulfillment of your needs and a deep love and sense of connection.
  

It’s really up to you to create what you want and what you need. I encourage you to want the best for yourself and for your relationship, and to do what it takes to get it; you will reap the benefits for years to come. And if you find you are both willing to make changes and create a loving, lasting relationship, but are having trouble with the communication part, please don’t be afraid to ask for help from a trained professional. Seeking guidance to improve your circumstances is always an act of self-love and a vote for the relationship, and you deserve to feel complete and happy, every day.