coming out: when, how and to whom?

Coming out of the closet is a very personal decision. When considering whether to come out, it is important to understand that this is a complicated process that continues to present itself throughout your life.

There are three stages to coming out.

The first step is coming out to yourself; accepting your sexuality as a natural and integral part of your identity.

The second stage is coming out to others. Whether to family or friends or co-workers, it’s your responsibility to let them know what you want them to know about you.

The third stage is living openly, which involves coming out every day.

Living openly is the strangest part of coming out. Because we live in a hetero-normative society, strangers generally assume that we are straight. As a result, we are forced to come out on a regular basis – when we check into a hotel room with a boyfriend and the clerk says, “Two beds?,” we are forced to say, “No thank you, we’d like one king bed.” When we visit the doctor and are required to fill out paperwork that asks us about emergency contacts and marital status, or we decide to bring our partner along for moral support, we need to make a decision about how much personal information we want to share.

When we live openly, we make the decision to reveal who we are in ways that straight people never have to consider. It’s an ongoing process that requires a strong sense of self and the willingness to teach those who are less informed, over and over again.

The best time to come out is when you have a clear idea of who you are – whether gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered - and you feel ready to live honestly and openly, every day.

Here are a few things to put into the mix when considering coming out:

How to come out:

• The way you come out is up to you - there is no right or wrong way
• Your confidence and certainty are important; be clear on the reasons you are coming out 
• If you feel uncertain or ashamed, people will pick up on that and take cues from you
• Being informed and willing to discuss LGBT issues could be helpful 
• Stay open; invite questions for those who are uninformed
• Give people time to sit with the information and come to their own understanding
• Find a quiet place; it is not a good time during stressful events, holidays, etc.

Some reasons to come out:

• You are tired of hiding who you are
• You desire stronger, richer relationships
• You want to live authentically
• You hope to break down stereotypes

Some benefits of coming out:

• To live an open and whole life
• To have better relationships
• To increase self-esteem
• To reduce the stress of hiding who you are
• To connect with the larger, LGBT community
• To become a role model for others

Some risks of coming out:

• Some relationships may change
• Not everyone will understand and/or accept you
• You may face harassment or discrimination
• You may lose family support or get kicked out if you are living at home

What to expect:

• Some may feel hurt or angry
• Some will feel honored
• Some parents will grieve dreams they had for you or blame themselves
• Some will worry about what your life will be like
• Some will already know

Remember, mixed emotions are normal and you may feel a range of them - from scared to exhilarated to confused to proud to uncertain - and all these feelings are normal.  At the end of the day, this is all about love; loving yourself and sharing love with another, and love is never anything to be ashamed of.

For more info: The Human Rights Campaign has an informative coming out resource guide here.