love addiction

Many of us have absorbed the belief that if we just meet the right person we will be happy.  We feel unsatisfied, restless and lonely unless we are actively seeking the person that will make us feel better, more whole.  

Yes, being in a healthy and loving relationship provides many benefits - a greater sense of security, a feeling of connectedness and a way to express our love and gratitude - but our love relationships need to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  

If you find yourself repeating the same patterns: holding on to past relationships, obsessively trying to meet someone new, jumping from relationship to relationship, or trying to make the wrong person fit just to be in a relationship, you may be struggling with love addiction.  


Below is a self-test from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program for those trying to find a sense of well-being through dependency on another.

Love Addiction SELF TEST: 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis 

(excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.) 

The following questions are to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signs of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions.  

1. Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone? 

2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you? 

3. Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? 

4. Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance? 

5. Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people? 

6. Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow? 

7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with? 

8. Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable? 

9. Have you ever felt that you had to have sex? 

10. Do you believe that someone can "fix" you? 

11. Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had? 

12. Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner? 

13. Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had? 

14. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate? 

15. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)? 

16. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships? 

17. Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix? 

18. Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner? 

19. Do you feel entitled to sex? 

20. Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave? 

21. Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner? 

22. Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person? 

23. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity? 

24. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? 

25. Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to? 

26. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation? 

27. Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems? 

28. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it? 

29. Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain? 

30. Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief? 

31. Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"? 

32. Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?  

33. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?  

34. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?  

35. Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?  

36. Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?  

37. Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?  

38. Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?  

39. Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs? 

40. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits? 

If you've answered "yes" to some (or several) of these questions, you may want to seek help for these issues.  In addition to SLAA, talk therapy may be a way to overcome challenges with love addiction.  Obsessive love addiction is sustained by fantasy, so modifying your thoughts through cognitive therapy can help break the cycle.  It's a new year; give yourself your best shot at feeling happy and well with the world through self-acceptance and self-love!


To find an SLAA meeting near you, click here.