sex addiction: is it real or an excuse?

The short answer is, “It’s both.”

In light of the recent drama playing out in the media with Tiger Woods’ and Jesse James’ infidelities, it seems as good a time as any to address this issue.  Also being discussed is whether or not to include sex addiction as a legitimate disorder in the newly revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V, to be published in 2012).

Everyone is talking about whether sex addiction is a real disorder or just an excuse.  In my experience and expertise, sex addiction is as real as any other addiction.  However, for some addicts who are not yet ready to get well, it can be used as an excuse to manipulate forgiveness.

In the case of Jesse James and Tiger Woods, their sincerity remains to be seen.  Are they really ready to get well?  Or are they just using rehab to repair their reputation and their relationships?  If it’s for the latter (the wrong reasons to treat an addiction), they will not change.

Let’s start with a couple definitions of addiction (from dictionary.com): 

1. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.
2.  The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Based on these definitions, we can plug in any substance or behavior (e.g. food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, pornography).  Both Tiger and Jesse were (or are) seemingly “habitually and compulsively” occupied with women and sex.  I think we can all agree on that.

The question is how do we distinguish between most men who are preoccupied with sex - which is normal and is caused by the naturally occurring steroid hormone testosterone - and what men chose do with this resulting preoccupation.  Especially when they are in a committed, monogamous relationship (assuming that was the agreement both of these men had with their wives).

We can’t fault men for the ways in which they are wired sexually – it’s a complicated convergence of social, political and familial messages combined with biology (read more on the male brain and biology here.).

I’m sure there are many men out there thinking we have this secret understanding of each other; most of us look at porn and at least think about having sex outside our relationships.  What’s the big deal?

 

Believe it or not, that isn’t the big deal.  The big deal is living a compartmentalized life.  Hiding these parts of oneself and acting in secrecy and lies.  That is the true betrayal – to yourself and to your loved ones.  And women have a part in it; they need to understand and accept that men are different from them in this way, and not take it personally.  The collusion of women not accepting that men are slaves to testosterone, and men pretending they are not occupied with sex, pushes couples into a very bad setup.

My advice is to talk frankly with your partner about who you are as a sexual being.  Gone are the old ideas about sex, like “all men cheat” or “women can’t handle men’s sexuality.”  We are complicated and multi-layered human beings.

 

Get out of the shame-based beliefs and accept your sexual self.  Then share it with your partner.  If it brings up fears or insecurities, talk about it.  If you don’t have the tools to effectively and safely communicate, seek out an expert to help you discuss the realities of sex and sexuality.  Negotiate your best deal – which includes both of you getting your needs met and making some compromises to create a safe and secure bond.

Not all men cheat.  Some are evolved and integrated enough to make the choice not to harm, disrespect or betray themselves or their loved ones.  Even if they are faced with ample opportunities for sex, between free porn on the Internet or a woman they meet on the plane.

 

Some men make a decision that the consequences are too great.  That by living a life that includes secrets and lies they are not only hurting someone they love, but are perpetuating their own low self-worth and lack of integrity.  Some men want more than that.  When all is said and done, choosing not to cheat can be that simple.

If, however, the choice not to cheat doesn’t seem that simple and you cannot stop your behaviors, you may want to seek help with sex and/or porn addiction.  If your sexual acts (or acting out) are affecting your self-esteem, your work, your relationships or your ability to feel well with the world - if you are lying or keeping secrets - it is very likely you have a problem.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sex addiction, check out these books and 12-step programs for support:

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick J. Carnes

The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy and Larry Maltz

Don’t Call it Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

For a list of 12-step groups for treating sex addiction (and for partners of sex addicts), click here.