keeping sex alive

If your relationship is lacking in the bedroom, you are not alone. In fact, Newsweek reports that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than ten times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage.

According to a USA Today study, 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. And Psychology Today reports that 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. 

So, now that you are not feeling so alone, what can you do about it? There is hope! Couples overcome little or no sex every day and you can be one of them, it just takes some effort and willingness to make changes in yourself and in the relationship.

There are myriad factors that can contribute to low-sex and no-sex relationships and it is important to identify and deal with (or rule out) those causes. 

Some factors include: 

• Biological changes
• Depression
• Children
• Lack of energy and/or fatigue
• Sleep deprivation
• Lack of respect or trust
• Jealousy, resentment
• Loss of self-esteem

Once contributing factors are identified and tended to - an example might be a thyroid condition that needs medical treatment - then you can look at what is happening interpersonally with your partner.

If your sexual relationship is not living up to your hopes and desires, start asking for what you want. Start by looking within to identify what it is you want. Once your needs are identified you can communicate those needs to your partner. When you communicate, it helps to be specific and to use "I-statements," like "I feel connected when we take the time to look at each other during sex and I'd like more of that." When you speak from the "I" position, it invites conversation rather than starting with "You," which puts your partner on the defense and doesn't leave a lot of room for open communication.

Relationships are about negotiation and compromise and this continues throughout the life of the marriage (even beyond, if you share children or other responsibilities). Make time to negotiate a plan that works for both of you. If you agreed to a plan and it's no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. Start by talking about the logistics of sex and sexuality for each of you: What time of day do you feel most sexual? How frequently do you naturally feel like having sex? Neither of you is right or wrong, hot or cold. Each of us has a natural sexuality that gets lost in the shuffle of our lives and our relationships. Once you are reintroduced to your sexual selves, negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.

Be careful not to base your relationship on sex or to get your emotional needs met through your sex. We all need love, compassion and caring, and sex can be a reflection of that. It doesn't have to be either/or: there is a time for spooning and a time for sex. Try not to use sex for the wrong reasons or load it up with too much meaning. It shouldn't be a way to validate your partner, it should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for your partner.

Remember, the choices you make have consequences. If you choose to work, go to school and/or have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Look at your own behavior and choices and consider making changes if you want different consequences. Empower yourself to create the kind of sex life you want and deserve; it's up to you and you can do it!