Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. (Campaign for Forgiveness Research) (2006).
Writer and actor Malachy McCourt said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Think about it: are hurt feelings and grudges helping or harming you? What would it be like to release your resentments and free yourself of the pain and suffering you feel (not to mention the time you spend thinking about it)?
Holding on to a grudge may make you feel that you are helping yourself. In some cases, remaining angry can help us fight injustices or take an action we have been wanting to take. Feeling hurt or angry may even serve us by looking at our own past mistakes and asking ourselves, "Have I ever done that before?"
But on the flip side, holding on to a grudge can harm us. It can divorce us from personal responsibility, from looking at our part in a conflict. Resentment allows us to cast ourselves as the victim. We blame other people or situations, and that keeps us separate, so we can preserve our image as the good person who has been wronged. We may even hold on to a grudge believing that it is protecting us from the possibility of failure.
Holding on to a grudge has many detrimental physical effects too, for example:
- it drains our energy
- it causes anxiety and irritability
- it can increase blood pressure
- it can cause stomach upset
- it creates muscle tension, which leads to headaches, neck aches, and back aches
Take some time today to think about a grudge you have been nursing and consider what it might feel like to release it; to really let it go.
Below are some tips when thinking about letting go of resentment:
1. Acceptance - try to think about life and the bigger picture. There will always be things that seem unfair or wrong. Learn to accept these injustices as a part of life. It's not personal.
2. Utilize the Iceberg Theory by Virginia Satir - anger is the "tip of the iceberg" and if you explore what is underneath the anger, you will always find hurt, sadness and/or fear. When you deal with the emotion that is underneath the anger, you can resolve conflict easier and faster.
3. What is your part? - always look at your part in what happened. It takes two to create a conflict. Did you overreact because of an old hurt or wound? Did you have a need or an expectation that you forgot to communicate?
4. Have compassion for the other person - take some time to consider their intentions and circumstances around what happened.
5. Talk to the other person and work through it together - if the other person is available to discuss it, try talking about what happened. Use "I" statements and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. If this is not possible, just forgive them for your own health and evolution.
Forgiveness furthers physical and mental well-being, it improves relationships and increases self-esteem and is a great reducer of anxiety and depression.
People who are inclined to forgive tend to be more emotionally stable; they are easy-going, less moody, more agreeable, and better able to handle negative emotions and criticism.
Give yourself a gift and forgive someone today!
